The Totally Skewed Newsletter, June 2008 

Written by: Diana Estill, Author and Columnist

www.dianaestill.com

Our Mission:  This newsletter attempts to entertain those who are lost,

                       confused, bored or satisfactorily unemployed.  But all

    others are welcome.

 _____________________________________________________________________________________________________

 A message from Diana: 

It’s vacation season, that time of the year when I’m

forced to attempt difficult tasks like reading

and interpreting roadmaps.

I’ve just returned from a trip to Grand Cayman,

where I once again managed to get lost

three times on a 22-mile long island. So this

month’s humor column, “Why women won’t read

maps,” outlines the causes for my Directional

Deficiency Disorder. Yes, I made up that term

(or unintentionally stole it from someone).

But, trust me, Pfizer is likely already working

on a medication for DDD.

I hope you will take some time off for family

vacations. Don’t forget dads on June 15.

And remember to connect with friends, this

summer.

This month’s newsletter is dedicated to

Pastor Timothy Mowry, who introduced

himself to me simply as “Tim” when I met

him. My husband and I had the good fortune

to spend some time and share much laughter

with Tim and his daughter, Sarah, when we

were in Grand Cayman. Before he returned

to Michigan with his family, Tim was

called home to God.

 Peace be with you.

Until next time . . .

Your Totally Skewed Columnist,

Diana Estill

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In This Issue:

-         Column----“Why women won't read maps” 

-         Wacky Days This Month – Humorous and odd days to celebrate in June

-         Other fun links

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Why women won’t read maps

Copyright © 2008 Diana M. Estill

(Feel free to share this story with family and friends, as long as you include my copyright notice.)

Often men depend on women to provide driving directions, though I can’t imagine why. Girls

are not born equipped with “You are here” indicators. However, I admit this would be advantageous during

certain interactions with the opposite sex.

From what I can tell, there are only two kinds of female navigators: those who can’t read a

map and those who can but prefer not to.

One explanation for why women balk at roadmaps can be found by looking at an automobile’s

structural design. The front passenger seat area offers the implied freedom of mindless travel. Otherwise,

this section would include a second brake pedal rather than a glove compartment and lighted

visor mirror.

Despite my reputation for misguidance, my husband expects me to read and interpret maps when

we’re on vacation. He steers while I pretend to know exactly where we are.

Helpfully, my man will call out streets as he notices them. “That was Church Street we just passed,”

he’ll say. And I’ll place a finger squarely on “Conch Street” and mumble something affirmative.

“Are we on North or South Ocean Drive?” he’ll ask. And I’ll answer that we are most definitely

on one or the other.

Reading a map is actually quite easy—once I’ve found my eyeglasses. It’s the comprehension

part that gives me trouble.

Cartographers seldom note critical landmarks, such as malls, supermarkets and ATM kiosks.

Furthermore, mapmakers provide something called a directional key and a mileage scale that I find

useless. Such tools could be beneficial only to someone who travels with a compass and a ruler.

To make things even more difficult, map producers sell ad space to businesses. So I typically

end up directing us to some place like Island Gemstones instead of the botanical gardens. Hey, flowers

are temporary. Tanzanite is forever.

While touring Grand Cayman Island, I managed to get us turned around several times.

“Now what?” asked my demanding chauffeur. He’d just encountered a forced turn. “Do I go left or right?”

“I don’t know. Just drive towards the coastline,” I instructed.

Hubby looked at me, straight-faced, and replied, “We’re on an island. There’s a coastline in

every direction.”

Some people will go to any length to “one-up” you.

The roundabouts had confused me. Signage at these traffic circles is posted only a few feet before

the entry points. By the time I’d realized we were approaching a roundabout, it was too late to check

which way to go.

Fortunately, these vehicular intersections have an inside lane. If you don’t know where you’re

heading, you can circle around until you either make your best guess or run out of gas. This, I presume,

is why most island vacationers rent a Daihatsu.

Part of my problem was that I was using the rental car agency’s map. There’s a pretty ingenious

reason why these freebies are so impossible to decipher. As long as you can’t find your way back to the

rental return area, you have to keep paying for the use of the car!

Supposedly, my hands are to blame for my poor map reading skills. My index digits are longer

than my ring fingers. This, according to a study conducted by German scientists, indicates that I’m less

proficient at tasks requiring spatial skills than those who possess the more masculine finger length pattern

(ring finger longer than index finger).  Testosterone levels are thought to be responsible for this—as well

as for most everything else that’s researched primarily by men.

So guys, it appears that you either can have a gal who reads maps well or a mate without a mustache.

But you can’t have both. (Don’t argue with me about this because I’m not a German scientist.) Quite

possibly it’s your fault that we’ve evolved this way. You see, women wouldn’t need such long index fingers

if men didn’t always rely on us to point them in the right direction.

 Read more stories like this one at www.dianaestill.com.

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WACKY DAYS TO CELEBRATE THIS MONTH

June 6   –             Banana Split Day (Make mine a double!)

June 10  –            Ball Point Pen Day (Reverse shoplift and leave one somewhere.)

June 13  –            Blame Someone Else Day (Do I finally get my chance?)

June 16 –             Fudge Day (Another excuse to eat a sundae?)

June 19 –             Recess at Work Day (Take a nap at your desk.)

June 22 –             Stupid Guy Thing Day (Ignore it if he leaves the lid up.)

June 28 –             Great American Backyard Campout (Go pitch a tent.)

June 30 –             Please Take My Children to Work Day (Or just find them a job.)

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Fun Links

http://www.humorpress.org – humor writing contest site

 http://www.totallyskewed.wordpress.com – my blog

 http://humorwriters.org – homepage for Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop

 http://bandersnatch.com – a funny news spoof site

 http://humorgazette.com – news satire site

 http://www.womensfunnyvideos.com – silly stories and video movies

 http://www.southernhumorists.com – humorists writing about all things Southern

 http://www.parenttoparent.com – good site for parenting humor

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Last Updated: Tuesday, March 25, 2008 09:01 PM