Running from local office

I believe you can learn a great deal about a community by counting the number of people campaigning for local government offices. A high number of candidates might indicate a low level of public awareness.

Holding an elected or appointed city position equates to serving an honorable duty for which volunteers are handsomely repaid by loss of friendships, leisure activities and, most certainly, brain cells.

First, city officials are required to know Robert’s Rules of Order, a set of parliamentary procedures that are frequently referenced—yet rarely followed.

Army Brigadier General Henry Robert, who supervised the engineering of parts of The Great Lakes, wrote “The Rules” after having failed to successfully chair a gathering at his local Baptist church. So it could be argued that these procedures were designed more for religious than community verbal combat.

Though sometimes rowdy, local government meetings are best described as public assemblies wherein many motions, though few advances, are made. I know this from experience because I once served a two-year term on a planning and zoning commission. This, of course, only gave residents one more reason to laugh at their local leaders.

While on public watch, I deliberated over such pressing issues as revisions to the city fence ordinance and changes to subdivision regulations for driveway construction. Valliant efforts were undertaken during these public meetings. I can truthfully report that not once, despite overwhelming urges, did I ever, even after both audience members had nodded off, lose consciousness.

Our commission determined that wood slats, stone masonry, and wrought iron were suitable fencing materials—and barbed wire, broken solar panels and mobile home skirting were not. Furthermore, we concluded that every home should have a driveway, and some of them could be shaped like a “J.” (Previously, this consonant had been stigmatized and discriminated against.)

These decisions were forwarded to City Council for final approval, which, I’m happy to say, was obtained without triggering a weekend work session in Las Vegas.

When a city council makes a decision, i.e., when an agenda item can no longer be rescheduled, authorization for action is issued by a formal resolution, a document that reads something like this:

WHEREAS, nobody at City Hall has a clue as to what might be the current zoning for XYZ property (“The Property”); and,

WHEREAS, the owner of XYZ Property (“Owner”) stands to make a killing if The Property is zoned for use as a beer store; and,

WHEREAS, Owner agrees to dedicate 1/100 of said property to the City if The Property is rezoned for use as a beer store; and,

WHEREAS, the City needs the said 1/100 of The Property to correct the misalignment of a roadway that recently sent a car careening into a dwelling; and,

WHEREAS, Owner has threatened to sue the entire staff salary and travel and entertainment budget out of the City if Owner’s property zoning request is denied; therefore, be it

FURTHER RESOLVED, that XYZ Property shall be zoned for use as a beer store.

Participating in city government can be extremely educational.

A special note from my attorney: Statements contained herein are purely satirical. Any similarities to real people, places or events are wholly coincidental and unintended.

 If you enjoyed this story and would like to read more like it, you may want to buy the book Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road: Humorous Views on Love, Lust & Lawn Care, by Diana Estill--available online and in your favorite bookstores.

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Last Updated: Tuesday, March 25, 2008 09:01 PM